Monday, December 1, 2014

Post-Holiday Guilt

Last week was a week.

I planned for it well, took off a few extra days, got the oil changed in the car, made pie crust ahead of time, and then promptly overburdened myself. Which is something I do a lot. I plan for a vacation day and then end up working because someone else wants the day off.

So, I ended up working every day this week. Mostly at six or seven a.m., and I had to drive down to my parents two times - about a 45 minute drive.

When someone asks me to make a choice, I feel frozen in guilt. If I say yes or no or whatever I always feel badly for not going the other direction. Which means sometimes I flip-flop, or try to do all of the things instead of say, taking a nap or a lunch break.

It leaves me so tired. And at the end of the week I just wanted to collapse into bed rather than spend time doing things I enjoy doing.

I'm in the middle of three days off of work right now. Three days without travelling. Three days to recharge and reset myself. I've been trying to fill them with all of the things I love to do. I took myself to the craft store and got all the things I need to start embroidering, which is something I have always wanted to learn. I grabbed some hair dye and my favorite junky food, diet coke and taco bell.

Today I just get to be. I have a bunch of craft projects to work on and a new video game that I am loving (Rouge Legacy).

What are your favorite ways to recharge?


Tuesday, November 25, 2014


I don't begin to know what to say that isn't already being said about Ferguson. I feel responsible for supporting such a crooked system. I am ashamed of my country.

There is nothing for me to say, but I am listening with ears wide open, for there is much for me to learn.


Sunday, November 23, 2014

I'm trying to be legit here.

 Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Seeing my blog on Bloglovin just lit a fire under me. I can do something like this. I always wanted to write, above all things, and that is what I am going to do. I need structure and blogging is a way for me to create that structure. I'll be damned if I don't try.


Can I come back here?

It's been over a year since I started and abandoned this blog. I wanted to have a record of my search to become more grounded and connect to the world around me. A year later and I am as lost as ever. Most of my days I feel at sea, adrift. My self image has deteriorated and my anxiety has taken a sharp hold of my thoughts.

And you know, I am so tired. Tired of worrying from the moment I open my eyes. Tired of feeling guilty when I spend five bucks on myself. I am bone-fucking-tired.

So here I am, again, writing. Trying to start, to cast out a few threads of spidery-silk, searching for a place for myself in this world. I have always found the internet to be an amazing community and I want to reach out in hopes of finding others on the same path.


Monday, September 23, 2013

Hello Fall

It might be cliche to post about how much I love the fall, but I don't care.

Over the weekend, autumn came to Madison. Suddenly everyone was in thrift-store sweaters, scarves, fingerless gloves, and flannel, flannel, flannel. Apple cider and tea sales seemed to sky-rocket.

At home I have allowed myself back into the kitchen. The summer heat and no AC kept me from doing much cooking or baking over the summer, so now that fall is here all I want to do is make stews, pies, and breads. My hutch is overrun with different squashes and yams, my freezer full of fruits from the summer. The tea kettle has been singing for me all day.

The past six months of working at the co-op has really affected the way I handle food at home. I am focusing on seasonal and local much more than before and find myself with huge quantities of produce that I get for cheap (or sometimes free) that I then scramble to preserve for the winter. Tomatoes are on deck today. I've got several pounds that I am going to slow roast and freeze for pasta dishes. I still have yet to do actual canning even though I went on a spree and got all of the things to can, but I'm hoping that something comes along soon. Putting my time and energy into the food that my little family eats gives me such a sense of pride and happiness. I am so thankful to fall for bringing this back to me.

What is your favorite thing to cook or bake in the fall?

Monday, September 9, 2013


This blog is named the Middle Moon. When I was young, I once looked out my window at night and saw three perfect moons overlapping each other. I rushed to my parents' room to wake them and they told me I was dreaming, that there was only one. But I could see them, so clear. I don't know what that means, or if it means anything at all, but I can still picture them all together. It's an image that I carry deep within me, and a symbol of what I want to explore with this blog.

I've had other blogs in the past that have fizzled with time. I don't expect this one to last forever. But right now I need a space to journal about the things that have been filling my mind and heart.

I'm trying to find a way back to myself by tapping into the world around me. Taking time to connect to the food that I eat, the ground that I walk on, and the complexities of my mental landscape. I work at a pretty hippie-dippy co-operative, and the more that I work there the more open I have become to things I might once have regarded as silly.

Last night I started reading Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D. I have heard so much about this book (mostly from Wild Rain) and I had been meaning to buy it for a few months. Then suddenly it was in one of the Little Free Libraries that are scattered around my neighborhood. 

As I read the introduction last night I had to keep underlining passages and lines that reverberated with me. Getting in touch with my wild nature is something I have been craving for a long time. 

"[Wild nature] means to establish territory, to find one's pack, to be in one's body with certainty and pride regardelss of the body's gifts and limitations, to speak and act in one's behalf, to be aware, alert, to draw on the innate feminine powers of intuition and sensing, to come into one's cycles, to find what one belongs to, to rise with dignity, to retain as much consciousness as possible."

Doesn't that sound amazing?